This past week, the highly anticipated Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice released to the masses and the reviews have been everything short of good. Actually, they’ve been horrendous. But before we get into that…
This year marks the beginning of the clash of the heroes with movies like Captain America: Civil War, X-Men: Apocalypse, and Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice. Civil War will showcase the dichotomy of the heroes we know and love in the Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU). It is anticipated to continue the deconstruction of Iron Man and Captain America and truly break down what it means to be a hero in a world run by conspiracy, fear, and devastation. Apocalypse will continue to represent the battle for civil rights in the world of mutants, even if it means following a psychopathic omnipotent being who seeks to put mutants in control and wipe-out all of the “normal” humans.
And then you have— well— Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice. Honestly, I want to give it some in-depth analysis of what it means for the world of heroes. I want to say that it shows how gritty, dark, and messy it can be to be a vigilante and to operate outside of the law. I want to tell you that Superman’s characterization is superb and that the choices he has to make, regarding his previous destruction in Man of Steel, have weight to them; that you will care about what’s happening in this movie.
I want to be able to applaud the writing for Batman and tell you that it was nice to see a return to more original, comic book style Batman and not the Nolanverse playboy Christian Bale. I want to be able to say that Lex Luthor was appropriately intimidating and threatening to the fate of the film and that he was a well-utilized villain and not, in fact, a Joker wannabe.
There are so many things that I would like to say about the film. However, I’m heartbroken, but not surprised, to say that I can’t. The nicest thing I can say is that the performances, save for Jesse Eisenberg’s Lex Luthor, are fantastic. Ben Affleck, Jeremy Irons, Amy Adams, Henry Cavill, and Gal Gadot are all amazing and they truly put the effort into their characters in spite of the lackluster script and direction.
But not even the good performances could save the utter disaster that was Dawn of Justice. Sure, the film was as pretty as any other Zack Snyder film but it failed to tell a story (as any other Zack Snyder film). I, honestly, couldn’t tell you the exact plot because it barely had one, if it at all. To attempt to summarize, Superman’s place as a hero is being questioned due to the destruction of Metropolis and Batman views him as a threat to society along with Lex Luthor and the local government. Oh, and did I mention that Eisenberg tried really hard to be Heath Ledger’s Joker and instead, we got Jim Carrey’s Riddler meets Mark Zuckerberg meets Donald Drumpf’s toupee? No? Well, someone really needs to tell DC that they can’t profit off the Nolanverse for the rest of eternity because, news flash, it doesn’t work with every single character.
Lex Luthor is not the Joker. Batman does not kill people. Lois Lane is not useless. Superman doesn’t have to be this boring as a character. And this movie did not need to include everyone under the god-dang freaking sun. Though, Wonder Woman does exist to get Superman’s and Batman’s asses out of trouble. That was 100% accurate. And how does an $800 million film have such terrible CGI? Someone please explain to me how this movie can be so pretty one moment and be so horribly fake the next. And these are just the non-spoilery problems with the film. If you do decide to try and brave the shitshow then there are plenty of non-sequiturs and plot devices (like the name Martha) that will leave wishing you had a bullet to the brain instead of trying to make sense of what the hell is happening. The worst part, though? It’s plain boring. The movie isn’t even remotely interesting to watch. It’s over two hours of absolutely nothing going on, that by the time the big fight does come, you’ll either a) have walked out of it or b) won’t give a flying fuck.
Do I recommend this film? Hell-fucking-no. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200 and do not waste your time with Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice. Go watch Plan 9 from Outer Space or the Super Mario Bros. movie or even The Room but do not see this movie. And if you’re hellbent on seeing it then wait for the Blu-Ray and DVD release and then torrent it because it should be paying you 1000x over for the two and a half hours of your life that you will never get back.