It’s the holiday season, and you know what that means – gift giving. Despite what movies, commercials, and other Hollywood mumbo jumbo has showed us, its not all smiles and fun Jesus magic. SOMETIMES we have to give presents to shitty people in shitty Secret Santa groups. SOMETIMES we get matched with our girlfriend’s shitty work friends. And SOMETIMES we have to give a shitty fucking gift to A SHITTY FUCKING PERSON.
What I mean is that often, we have to give gifts to someone we don’t like. Often, we might even hate this person.
To spare anyone’s feelings who might be hurt, let’s call this person something non-assuming – like Derek.
We all know a Derek. Derek is a real shithead. He spoils Game of Thrones, pees near the toilet, and drinks your fucking cold pressed juice you left in the the fridge which he KNEW was yours and drank it anyway even though that shit is like NINE FUCJKING DOKLLARS[>/ADFRHM.
Anyway, all I am trying to say is that sometimes, we have to give gifts to people we hate. While we could take the easy way out and not get them anything, I’ve found it’s much more in the spirit to get them something. Because sometimes, getting something is worse than getting nothing at all. You just have to know where to look…
5. A Pre-Order of Battlefield: Hardline
This one is kind of a dice roll. On one hand, you could be giving Derek a fun, rootin’ shootin’ time of an FPS. From what I’ve seen/played, this game could be kind of working against your whole “Fuck Derek” mentality, as the game is pretty fun.
BUT – and this is a big but – The game might turn out to be a big butt. The last Battlefield game that came out, Battlefield 4, was one of the most frustrating releases of any video game since ET. The game suffered serious network problems at launch that made the game unplayable, and EA responded by not fixing it and releasing DLC.
So you kind of have a 50% chance of giving Derek a two month headache, which seems worth it to me. The game also doesn’t offer much in terms of a completely new experience, so you have a 100% chance of giving him 50% of a new game. Everyone’s a winner! …except Derek.
4. A Facebook Gift Card
This is probably the most apparent “fuck you” of the bunch. Not only is any gift card the universal “no thought” present, but the Facebook Game Card takes a step beyond that by being solely for buying things that nobody wants or needs. Sure, you can get Derek an Applebee’s gift card. And sure, he would be forced to choke down some Stuffed Potato Skins at least once so he didn’t feel wasteful. But at least he would get food that his body needed. All the Potato Twisters induced diarrhea in the world can’t take that away from him.
With a Facebook Gift Card, you are getting them imaginary money, for imaginary items, in imaginary games. They are not even fun games either. All the card can do is buy more candies to crush and more crops to Farmville. Its the gift that keeps on giving shit, as Derek will feel forced to play these games more than he already did. You are wasting Derek’s time, money, and will to live. It is truly the most effective life-ruiner you can give.
As an added bonus, if Derek doesn’t use Facebook, you can make fun of him for not being in the loop and stupid.
Now, I would like to first disclaim this one by saying I think Amiibos are cool. They are well made, work great with Super Smash Bros, and give you a toy to play with as well as expand gameplay. (Although, I do think they could have had all Amiibo characters save into one figure to save money and time…)
Why this gift is perfect for all the Dereks in the world is in the apparent Pokemon Factor that comes with buying Amiibos. When I bought my first 2 Amiibos, I got home and IMMEDIATELY felt that “Gotta Catch ‘Em All” mentality that perpetuated 9-year-old me into a trading card inflicted childhood bankruptcy. These things are like heroin. You don’t buy a little heroin and then forget about it. You buy a little bit of heroin, then some more, then find yourself throwing a brick through a Gamestop window at 3am. Can you trade in used needles for store credit?
2. Amazon Echo
The Echo is a complex Derek Gift. The Echo was presented as an always on, always attentive, all-knowing talking speaker that was exactly like the computer on the USS Enterprise. And it stood up to those claims, as long as you pretend Picard only wanted to know the height of Mount Everest and some dad jokes.
Accompanied by one of the most uncomfortable fucking commercials I’ve ever seen in my life, the Echo didn’t really present itself to serve any purpose. The Echo probably would have been worth the price tag if it was a better sounding speaker, or if it at least played Ecco the Dolphin.
No matter what, Derek would be cursed with forever yelling at a useless speaker that only kind of does a thing, with the added bonus of at least taking up one of his outlets. Win the small battles.
1. Google Nexus Q
The Google Nexus Q is like an onion of technological disappointment. Not only because it looks like a sad Tron onion, but because its smelly layers run deep, and it is bound to make Derek cry sooner or later.
The first layer is the devices actual use. To anyone. For anything. It was marketed as a media streaming device, but had little to nothing in the realm of actual streaming capabilities. Want to watch Netflix? Can’t do that. Hulu? Nope. Browse the web? Sadness.
Thus ties in my second layer of disappointment: You could really only stream Google Play Videos on it. This means that whoever you buy this for has to re-buy all their movies and TV shows on the Google Play Store. Trust me, I’m a Google fanboy and my dick hurts just thinking about doing that.
When it debuted in 2012 it received so many complaints of the device not actually being able to do anything that Google shipped the Q to people who pre-ordered it for free – and they were still pissed it didn’t do anything.
The last layer is the price. This Daft Punk cannonball costs $299 dollars. That means it is literally the most expensive thing you can buy someone while still being worth nothing. The $300 price tag will make Derek feel bad about that $25 dollar iTunes gift card he got you, while still somehow getting less enjoyment out of it. That is some gift giving evil mastermind shit.
Got better gifts for shitty people? Let us know in the comments below.
Is it NSFW? Tell us? Maybe? Whatever, we’re all friends here.
You’re talking to the guy who linked you to a fake dick and a drum of lube.